The Metz Family

This is your Second Christmas in Heaven, And all day my arms ached for her and my babies. Although my Sorrows are deep and most people "could only Imagine" what I have been through I found myself at peace this christmas. I know that my babies are with loved ones and what better then Jesus himself. I do miss my babies and know that I will see them again soon. We have decided to wait to try and get pregnant as I want to lose some more weight so that are chances become better. With everything else that I have wrong losing weight should be one of the things that I can do to help for having another loss. I am very Grateful for the people that i have met this year they have brought me lots of Joy:) and I know that each and everyone of you came into my life for a reason. I have met many more moms that have gone through similar things and became very close to a lot of them. Don't get my wrong i still have my moments where my arms want my babies. But I am learning to deal with

HELLO FAMILY AND FRIENDS:) I would like to start by saying that my Surgery went very well. Without complications.( I was very grumpy when can too after this surgery .) LOL just ask Tyler but he put up with it like a champ. I had my Post Op yesterday to go over everything that we will be doing to try and get pregnant again:) And we can Officially start "Trying" in January. I am not going to lie but its been nice not stressing about TTC:) Its been really Relaxing actually. Since the Surgery I have been on a Hormone Therapy to rebuild my Lining. I am on Estrogen and also Provera this week. I am almost done with my Estrogen (THANK GOD.) Its been HORRIBLE LOL. I have a good feeling about this next time we try to get pregnant and plan to try and do everything possible to help this baby come to earth:) I would like to Also thank ALL THE ANGEL MOM's that I have met over the past year:) Its been amazing to meet you all and know that you all have went through very similar th

I am having surgery On Friday the 26th :/ Its called a Metroplasty, Thank god its a pretty easy surgery and everything should go smoothly. The Pros to this surgery is better then the con's the only crappy thing is we can TTC (Try to conceive.) tell January you have to give your Uterus time to heal and also I have to do a Hormone therapy. I am nervous of course but will get over it I am sure:) I will update everyone after the surgery Friday:) Love you all and know that I thank you for all support given:) ~Jessica~

So we have moved into are house :) most things are set up and some are still getting started :) I feel like it takes forever to get everything where it needs to go. I will be having surgery on October 26th for my Uterus, to get rid of my heart shape in my uterus. My doctor said that i am the 50% of the people she don't have answers for. :( Its hard! My worst nightmare coming true! I really wish that we had more answers! :( But I have to keep telling myself that this is all a blessing in some way. Also this month is Infant Loss awareness month. October 15th @ 7:00 p.m please Light a candle for babies you have lost people you know that have lost babies! I thank you all that have supported us in this Trial.  Its been rough and for those who don't understand I don't ask you to I just ask for support! :) PLEASE REMEMBER LIGHT THAT CANDLE 7:00 P.m October 15th:) Also tomorrow is the Walk of Remembrance:) I am so excited I will post pictures asap. ~Jessica

Today has been a Productive day of packing and getting ready to move next weekend:) I can't help but think that this is all for a NEW FRESH start I am very excited and hope that it all works out Perfectly! As for updates on the last loss. We did get the Pathology and Genetics testing back and it was all Normal (Frustrating I know.) and this little angel would have been a boy. I can't help but wonder what he would have looked like!! Its rough when you get NO answers! Everything is NORMAL that is what we keep getting told! REALLY its normal when this is our 5th loss? I don't understand! However we are still hopeful and praying that it will happen one day! I know it will its just a matter of time! I have prayed and prayed about it and I don't feel like Tyler and I need to give up yet! Just thought that I would give a little update as to what is going on:) ~Jessica

I thought that I Would write a update as it has been a while! A lot of things have happened since my last update! We got pregnant in August:) So EXCITED!! But this pregnancy is nothing like Kloies, There have been Lots more Trips to the ER and scares ups and downs and lastly more then likely a down. We have a appointment today with my RE to see what is going on but the last time we seen Baby babies heart rate was really slow:( my heart is breaking, I was so excited I don't understand WHY US? Why do I have to be the one with all these issues:( Everyone around me as been more then Helpful and supportive but not ONE of them know what I am going through unless you are a PAL or Angel mom:( . Its so hard and this road I would not wish on my WORST enemy this is the WORST pain a mother has to go through! We have done all the testing we have gotten no answers "EVERYTHING IS NORMAL" is what I keep being told!! Its so annoying! And makes this whole thing worse! . Anyway I have a

So to start off, This cycle did not work with the Trigger shot, Although I am very upset and sad, I know that it is going to all work out in the end. AS much as i feel that it wont. We are going to take a break this next couple months and Enjoy are summer:) On a brighter note I have a Fun filled day ahead of me:) I am going to a baby shower today which is a HUGE step for me. I am so excited to spend time with Amazing people:) I also get to see my Nephews ALL night:) which is AWESOME! they get to come and spend the night :) YAY! I can't believe how much just having them in my life has changed me:) I missed them so much! I am so glad that we got Visiting rights back again:) ( Its a long story). Any who I just thought that I Would update a little while sitting here Sipping on my much need coffee:) Have a wonderful weekend everyone:) xoxo ~Jessica

Out Dog Mylee is very funny :) Take a look at her YOUTUBE CHANNEL http://youtu.be/lz6zjmCjJDg :) ~Jessica~

We are not in the Dreaded TWW( Two week wait.) I have finally Ovulated and everything seems to be OK and on track! I am very hopeful and am really starting to think this may happen sooner then later:) I cant believe in august it will be "Officially" A year since trying again! I hate that it is taking so long. Its so hard on Are marriage! I want this so bad! I really cant wait to meet with my Physic Medium coming soon! Hopefully she has some Inspiring news! My Fortune Egg:) Picture I took For Kloie<3 I call it my Kloie Firework. On a home front note! I have kept up with ALL my laundry for 3 weeks my house is pretty much Spotless, And I am finally free from the Depression that was keeping me from getting stuff done! I still have my "Kloie days" But there not as bad! I learn to Smile when I see her face and think of her! I have wonderful friends at work that have helped me so much. Also other friends and family have been amazing. If it wasn't for T

I did my Trigger shot thursday:) And I am hoping that we Catch a good EGG :) and Sperm this cycle! I have had a pretty awesome weekend, I got to see my nephews after 7 years. (Its a really long story.) Zak is now 11 almost 12 and Ricky just turned 8. Its hard when the last time that I seen them they were 4 and 1. Its ok though because now I know it will be a Permanate relationship. I missed them so much and it eases the pain of my own losses seeing them. I know that there not my kids but there my blood and it helps. I love them. We are getting them for a few hours next saturday as well :) I am SOO EXCITED we are going to the movies yay! This weather has been insane as well :( I wish that it wasent so burning out outside! I am dying lol! I get to test for pregnancy on July 16th hopfully I have a good update for everyone! I am scared and excited all at the same time:) Thank you all again for your on going support I really Appreciate all of you. ~Jessica~

I went for my RE appointment today:) ALL Genetics Testing for me came back NORMAL:) That had me really happy! Also My eggs are growing just fine, I am doing a trigger shot this cycle which will release all my Mature eggs." The shots are $105.00 a piece which is tough but I figure that if it helps me bring home and Healthy Baby I will be happy! I am praying that this is the month and that we CATCH a good egg this time:) Please pray for me and my husband I would like more then ever for this baby. ~Jessica~

I have been cleaning and relaxing today:) I worked 4 hours of Overtime this morning. Gotta work for that dollar! I plan on trying to get my house Spotless this weekend! I can not take it anymore:( ..I also am trying this new BBQ chicken recipe tonight:) Super excited about it! We plan on trying again right away after the last loss:) I don't think that waiting is going to do anything. :) I am just going to try to do the same thing that we did last month:) Any who just wanted to update:) Life today seems Wonderful and Its the happiest I have been in a long time:) I also have my Follicle Ultra sound Monday:) so will see how that goes:) I will update after that appointment. ~Jessica~

My 26th birthday was ok:) We went and celebrated it on saturday so yesterday was not much of anything besides a reminder that I am one year older and one year without a baby still:(  I am grateful for everything that god has given me but its been very hard! I hope that this year next time i am not adding another entry for being with a baby.  I am so grateful for my job and for all my new friends that I have met at work:) I enjoy my job:)  Anywho just wanted to to put a update on telling everyone I got through my birthday Barely but I did :) ~Jessica!

Today has been very bitter sweet for me :( . I started M/Cing today and the Reality of it came full swing. I am sad but in a since it gave me hope for what is to come, I really hope that we get a Rainbow baby sometime:) but for now I am going to enjoy my time with Tyler and watching are relationship Expand:) Tonight we are going to Fat cats and eating at the Pizza Factory:) So excited I am really hoping that I can make it through tonight I have been very sore today:( But I have had this planned for a few weeks and really want to go:) On another note I cant believe that I am going to be 26 on the 19th its insane how fast the years go by. Its a bitter sweet reminder for me. It just tells me how long we have been TTC:(  I really know in my heart that we will bring home are Rainbow one day but COME ON you know! Sometimes I question god on why he keeps doing this to me. And then out of every loss I remember and some how I remember why we are doing this and it gives me hope. Any who I

I can't believe that this is are 4th loss, Even though this baby didn't really make it far. OR even at all I know this much I know I was pregnant. I didn't really get my hopes up:( Sadly.. And I am actually handling it pretty well. Its insane what 2 loss before this and then having to give birth to my Sweet Kloie Lynn will do to you:( ... I feel pretty numb ALL TOGETHER! My RE is very nice and caring about this whole process, She is Pretty sure that issues are going to work themselves out:) I am pretty sure one day we will have are Rainbow baby and will be able to have these experiences. To all that have stuck by me through this thank you so much, Also my angel mom's I LOVE YOU..you help me get through so much and I appreciate all that you do for me:) xoxo ~Jessica~

I usually don't post twice a day but the need to vent is needed. I got what i thought was a faint positive yesterday. And today the test i took was negative. I am having a hard time with this TTC thing this sucks and i don't know how much more i can take!!! AAAHHH I just want to scream:( !!! ~Jessica~

I am waiting to see if this cycle worked. I am really hoping that this treatment works :)   I don't want to have to pay more money to get IUI's and even maybe IVF? I just cant do something that I am not sure will work and put out that much money! On a Awesome note I have raised $75.00 for Now you lay be down to sleep :) for my Birthday wish:)  I am so happy that I have raised this much so far :) and hope that i can raise much much more:) Its amazing the feeling of Giving no matter how small! I went and met with a physic Medium who gave me much Comfort on  where Kloie Lynn is and now I know that she is Safe and with someone I feel very comforted to hear she is with:) I will update as soon as i can :) and let all you all know if the treatment worked:)  I would appreciate the ones that read  my blog and support Tyler and I :) ~Jessica!

I am on a new fertility pill this month:D I got my ovulation levels back and they were 19.4 :) which means I ovulated :) so excited... Here is to hoping we caught the egg :D we are going to move on to IUI'S if this does not work .... Hope it does however my hopes are pretty low lol ... Any who I will update next week hopefully ... I dont think I'll announce this pregnancy tell the 6th month except to selected few people : Thank you all for your support through out this :D -Jessica

Things went amazing today:) I had my follicles measured and I already have one mature one :) 18 mm and there is still days to go:) I'm only on cd:11 :) super excited about this cycle my lining is also thick and good for implantation .. Pretty awesome, we are going to try iui if this does not work :/ but we are going to try 3 cycles of this :) and then look into possible iui ... I have high hopes for the next few cycles :) ... Yay yay prayers and positive thoughts Tyler and my way :) ~Jessica

I am trying to get over Bronchitis and a sinus cold I am guessing that started after taking the antibiotics for the bronchitis. I was up all night last night trying to be able to breath lol.. Trying to feel better for My hubby's Game later :( ...I also have a RE appointment next thursday for the ultra sound to make sure that my eggs are growing:) and she is going to let me know when i should ovulate and also if my body is responding to this new med. I am sure that it will :) considering I have been ovulating on my own the past couple months:)  Also I have almost watched all seasons of How I met your mother on Netflix lol ..haha nice right have literally no life...  Have a good weekend everyone :) ~Jessica~ xoxoxoxo

http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/TTC-After-Miscarriage/ct-p/iv-ppttcmiss Please Come Join My Group TTC on I VILLAGE its amazing and there are a bunch of amazing women. ~Jessica~

I hope mothers day was kind to you moms <3 May your Angels give you kisses and hugs xoxoxoxoxo ... I made it through with a special surprise gift from my husband :D another willow tree figurine, also I mother nature came on her own woohoo again :D

Today I had a follow up with my re :D .. I am ovulating on my own :D well for the past few months I have been ;) ... Also I am going to start a new pill to assist in ovulating an also we are doing monitored cycles :D super excited .... Things are looking good for us:D hoping for the best :) ~Jessica

I have to say that I thought I would have a hard day .. But I got through it well:D I appreciate all of you that were there in thought and in pray or thought :) I have found more closure lately, I still miss my daughter more then words and talk about her daily.. However I know she would want me to be happy :) Update with Re I have a appointment Friday for a follow up:) Also things seem to be regulating themselves :) mother nature came on her own last month :) I was so beyond happy ... I will update as soon as possible after Fridays appointment<3 Thank you all for your on going support ~ Jessica

I sit here and miss you more and more each day, I can even start to describe the way I feel on this Easter day. I can feel you with me from time to time when my heart falls into pieces, all I want to do is give a million kisses. The pain from losing you has been with me daily, each holiday that passes I heal a little more. I just can't wait to finally see you once more. But today know I love you and wish you were hear with me along with your angel siblings. Please tell them I love them and miss them too, I am just happy there with you. Happy first easter in heaven my Angels Know that daddy and I love you until we meet again fly high in the sky so blue and know I will be alway loving you <3 -written by: Jessica Metz Rest in peace my Angels: June 2010, October 2010, and kloie Lynn Metz may*2*2011 <3

So I am sitting here thinking that If Kloie was here We would be taking her to her first Easter Egg hunt, It makes me really sad:( I forgot how excited i was to take to to this easter egg hunt! I hate Holidays lately!! I try to forget them but its hard! I am just hoping that I find the Strength to get through this weekend. Tonight Me and the Hubby are going to Boondocks to have some fun with some Couple friends i think that its going to be really fun:) I am super excited! Get my mind off stuff for a bit! Anyhow  I got some Test results back from my RE and there all NORMAL:) My blood type is kinda weird though its not completely Negative but not a True Positive Either so I was still need Rohgam in Pregnancy! I am starting to wonder if this issue is why I had to early losses? I am really happy that i am seeing this Dr she has told me things that i never knew about myself and she Actually Explains them well to were i understand it!  I am hoping that we are Pregnant by the end of the year

So I have started My new Project with Work :) Its pretty nice I suppose, Its a lot of getting used to but really nice that i am in the same Training class as All my Hyundai Friends:), Kloies Birthday is Approaching at a Rapid Speed:( Its making me so sad, I don't know how I am going to handle that day! I will for sure take the day off I don't think that I would be able to work. My mother n law and I are going to get Kloie Memory Tattoos:) I am really Excited about it!:) I hope that i can make it through her birthday without completely losing my mind:(  We are still TTC its been a Challenge this time, its making me really disappointed But I have met a really great doctor and i feel that she will figure out what is wrong with me. I am hopeful that we will get pregnant within the year but who knows:) Anyways its been a while since i updated so I thought that I would update for you all! Tyler and I are doing well:) And hoping for Some financial Breaks here soon but besides that WE

These past few days have been great:D I have decided to take the rest of my loa in order to make me better, And I have to say its working:) I feel much much better :) Just wanted to post a little update:) We also have a appointment with a reproductive specialist :) march 27th I am very excited :) -Jessica

You don’t know what to expect. People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend. You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around. You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months. And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons. You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child. It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby. You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it. You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving. The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part

Life has been amazing, we finally got a financial break:) which we have needed for ALONG TIME, I got caught up on all are bills :) and even look at this necklaces that will print kloies exact foot print on to them:) I really wanna get a few for my closd family :) ... I get to test in about a week for pregnancy :) I am really hoping this cycle, will see:) I am taking my husband up to park city for valentines day tomorrow night :) just for the night :) it will be really fun, I am so excited to just spend time with him and see beautiful park city in the winter I always go in the summer lmao :) I have also have lost 13 lbs since January 9th:) I love it am starting to feel so much better;) I tell you low carb diet :) Love you all xoxoxo Goodnight all -Jessica Do you ladies have any plans for valentines day? -Jessica

I have taken a couple weeks off work in order to get myself together and hope that things In Tyler and my life start working out<3 I often question god at these times asking why me ...but know that everything In life happens for a reason:) I am trying to put together a service project for kloie for her birthday may 2nd if anyone has any ideas let me know:) my new anti depressant is starting to work wonders and my body is actually doing what it's supposed to as far as ovulating goes :) I just hope that soon its are turn to bring home are rainbow baby :) Thank you all for on going support and courage you have all given me through this :) -Jessica

Over this last week I have really learned who my true friends are through the whole process of infant loss :(... I never thought I would have to erase some of the people I have but I did:/. Anywho I have lost 3.5 lbs on this low carb diet :) its pretty nice :), I am also on cd:26 :) hoping for good results this cycle :) my day 21 progestrone draw was 34.4 so deff means I ovulated just hope that I pin pointed it good enough :) Have a great weekend everyone :)

So ttc is going to be put on the back burner its consuming my life and I can't do that to myself ... I am going to start focusing my time on dieting and working out again, I know that it will happen for us when it's ment to do so :) Again I want to thank you all for caring words and support its really helping me :) one day I'll be able to show off my "rainbow baby" I know god has to have a baby up there for me I just know it :) Kloie is helping find the perfect one:) and if she is anything like me it could take awhile ;) Have a good weekend all Xoxo Jessica

Today I took a much needed Mental health day:D it was really nice i just Lounged around and did some laundry, My dogs were confused because there used to us being gone all week:D haha, it was nice to be able to spend some extra time with them today as well. As far as TTC goes I am to my WITS end with everything i feel like if we are not pregnant within this cycle i will TRY BUT NOT PREVENT METHOD and focus on my Weight loss. Considering its my Weight that has caused most of the Issues with getting pregnant itself. Any who i hope EVERYONE had a HAPPY HUMP DAY:D And are looking forward to the weekend:D xoxo ~Jessica~

I really Appreciate all the people that are following my Blog and being supportive, its Not easy dealing with Infant loss, miscarriage, and now having issues trying to get pregnant again. I would not wish this on my worst ENEMY its so hard to deal with day by day. I have finally gotten out of the stage of every time i smile its a "fake" smile and and starting to truly feel happy for everything that i have right now in my life, its just hard at times as you all can tell. I do appreciate all the kind words and support again like i have said the more support the better:D. I am really hoping for a good turn out this cycle but unfortunately for some reason i just don't have a good feeling about it maybe because we have tried so many cycles already. Hopefully in in a few weeks I have good news to give you all:D If not there are many more months to come and hope in the Future:D xoxo ~Jessica~

Pretty nice day today :D I got a raise at work yay super excited, we have been struggling pretty bad and am very happy to think that we are finally going to get completely caught up and not living pay check to pay check :).... Going to the doctors tonight to get my blood levels checked :/ nervous about that for sure.. Hopefully there not getting worse.. Got a b-12 shot:) always makes feel better also had to up my dose of Prozac which is ok and we re checked my dhea levels :) ... Hopefully they are better I am going to start this lo carb diet thing :/ hopefully it works out I need to lose some lbs. All in all a pretty great day:) ... Also I am on cycle day: 15 waiting to ovulate soon hopefully I have good news in a few weeks :) <3 Goodnight world ~Jessica <3

Laying around today watching family guy star wars series it's pretty funny :D, I'm going to make dinner tonight and were actually going have dinner @ the table which hardly ever happens as my table was covered tell now, we are going to make it a point to eat at the table from now on :) I know this sounds silly but I almost do not see the point of eating at the table without children ?? Is that weird of me .. It is almost a normal nagging reminder that I am in the same boat as two years ago :/. Well just got done with dinner gotta admit it was really nice :D even got the dishes done :) today has been a really nice day :) In bed :) had a wonderful relaxing day :) xoxoxo -Jessica

We had friends over tonight it was pretty fun, watched hubby's play Xbox while the girls hung out :) my god son was down so it made it a pretty great night :) I made a roast and potatoes and all:) Today all in all has been a pretty good day cleaned my entire upstairs which is really nice. Since I lost kloie I haven't really been up to doing much so it felt good doing that :).. Tomorrow I will tackle the downstairs I hope. So I am currently mid cycle with trying to get pregnant anyone ttc will know what I am talking about I'm on cd:13 still waiting to ovulate :/ hopefully this is are month and cycle :) Goodnight everyone:) -Jessica

I honestly dont think there is a day that I dont think about you, Wondering what life would be with you here and not in heaven, A lot of people ask me how did you deal with losing your daughter or another one I get a lot is I don't know if I could live if something like that happened to me, the truth is life is going to go on with or without you.. Believe me I have my days and feel like I won't go on but then I remember life is life and you only get it once so you might as well take all trial and errors in life and learn from them. I do wish at times I had never gone through what I am going through but then I would never have met most of the best groups of women I have ever met. I plan on enjoying my weekend, going to the gym and spending much needed time with my husband :) thank you all for your kind words and support through are journey with ttc<3 ~Jessica~

Today is the First time In a long time that i could say that I had a GREAT DAY:D it felt really good, for once i felt a little more normal then usual, life is so much different after the loss of a child, I cant help but think about what Kloie would look like today, would she have looked more like me or Tyler, things like that. However I am starting to be grateful for the time i did have with my precious angel, A lot of mom's in my situation did not even get what i got and i am happy for that.  As most of you know we are trying to get pregnant again, Its been trying my patience believe me, there are times that i just think screw this lets just adopt, but then i always get this glimmer of hope telling me to TRY ONE MORE TIME. We are doing Clomid Treatments and i am sure that there bound to work, but that drug is one word "HELL". I am also very Grateful for my God babies TyLyn and DeVaughn without them i am sure that this whole thing would be a lot harder, I Love being an

Life has been very crazy the past 7 months i honestly could not tell you how i have functioned with out my sweet angel here with me, I remember the day so clearly, and every detail as well not that i want to forget but i do wish there was something some days to ease the pain a little, no one will ever understand what i am going through unless they have been through this themselves, its a pain like no other and a yearning for something that you simply can not have, even if your so close to the finish line, I never thought that i would have the strength to get through what i have gotten through with the help of this new group i found called SHARE PARENTS:D its been amazing, i have met so many wonderful people that i most likely would not have met, I now do not feel so alone, although there are times when i wake up in the middle of the night and feel like i am missing something and then i remember i am sure that feeling will ease with time as well as the pain, i still can not believe that